I raced against time... but I lost.

i rather it be something i cannot control... i rather it be "nothing i can do" situation... but it isn't.. i dont know why... i dont know why i somehow throw horrible passes... i really try not to make that mistake. but the more i try the more disappointed i get. i cannot get enough scolding for that. but i dont know why i cant wake up from that. im really dying from it... evertime i train, i cant overcome. i dont have time anymore. how many more days. even if coach doesnt want me out in the season, i dont think i deserve the place. i cannot do what primary schools do best in- throwing a long pass to the WA. i dig a hole for my head after every training to hide my painful shame. i cannot stand it anymore. i spent 70% of my time on netball, and i cant get happy with my performance. can you imagine how happy i am as a person now. tearing myself apart. i admit, im courting my own death