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School: Anglo Chinese Junior College
Birthday: 2nd March 1988
Bleah
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Saturday, February 28, 2004
RISK
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
Those who risk nothing do nothing, have nothing and are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their certitudes, they are slaves; they have forfeited freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
Those who risk nothing do nothing, have nothing and are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their certitudes, they are slaves; they have forfeited freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
oh my goodness... im dead tired... can somebody teach me a new word....? for a freaking "tired"
been living these days like hell.. tempers are uncontrollable.. i can hardly calm down.. i can hardly be optimistic.. am i beyond optimum? that the results turned upside down.. with pain inside out... looking solemn, or rather fierce and unhappy the past days (or even weeks).. the reason is solely exhaustion...
am i too stressed out? unable to put things aside and do things one step at a time.. ms wan told me im a great observer.. but am i aware of myself at all? am i concerned about myself? or am i overly concerned about myself? im love looking things from another angle and notice different things from people that will normally miss out unintentionally.. but have i fail to look at my own self? have i forgotten to place a mirror in front (not literally of cuz) of me? when i sit down and think, reflect about my actions, i can feel problems growing bigger, huge mass of stress crashing down to earth.. and i the only one who "shoulders" it.. its hard to treat the "crashing stress" like a blanket and put over me.. i can hardly lift it up, to even catch my own breath.. how do you expect me to bring it over me..
good news? im proud to announce that my dearest senior, DAPHNE JANSZ, top the eurasian list in SINGAPORE for O' Levels!!! she scored 6 A1s, 1 A2, and 1 B3.. coach said that daphne didnt do well in PRI sch and still manage to get 6 points (miraculous!!!) and she urged us to work hard, believing in us that we can make it... so netballers?! go for it!!!
been living these days like hell.. tempers are uncontrollable.. i can hardly calm down.. i can hardly be optimistic.. am i beyond optimum? that the results turned upside down.. with pain inside out... looking solemn, or rather fierce and unhappy the past days (or even weeks).. the reason is solely exhaustion...
am i too stressed out? unable to put things aside and do things one step at a time.. ms wan told me im a great observer.. but am i aware of myself at all? am i concerned about myself? or am i overly concerned about myself? im love looking things from another angle and notice different things from people that will normally miss out unintentionally.. but have i fail to look at my own self? have i forgotten to place a mirror in front (not literally of cuz) of me? when i sit down and think, reflect about my actions, i can feel problems growing bigger, huge mass of stress crashing down to earth.. and i the only one who "shoulders" it.. its hard to treat the "crashing stress" like a blanket and put over me.. i can hardly lift it up, to even catch my own breath.. how do you expect me to bring it over me..
good news? im proud to announce that my dearest senior, DAPHNE JANSZ, top the eurasian list in SINGAPORE for O' Levels!!! she scored 6 A1s, 1 A2, and 1 B3.. coach said that daphne didnt do well in PRI sch and still manage to get 6 points (miraculous!!!) and she urged us to work hard, believing in us that we can make it... so netballers?! go for it!!!
Saturday, February 21, 2004
Even if you want to go alone, I will be waiting when you’re coming home. If you need someone to ease the pain, you can lean on me. My love still remain..
It applies to me, but not to my precious.. I hope to use vulgarities to emphasize the point.. but that’s not the way to relief yourself.. being civilized is still essential.. this whole matter is burning me inside out.. Im 100% burnt… suicidal thoughts are more realistic now.. like its hinting me to really do it. been having nightmares.. like im in this small box.. stuffed.. insufficient oxygen to keep me alive.. face turning white. So white that is revealing shades of blue.. the freezing atmosphere that numb, contracting every muscle i have.. the signs of death… and im smiling.. smiling through my hopless tears.. through my helpless sobs..
im tired.. how many times have i said this.. why am i not dying yet? is my daily question.. am i scared of dying? not really... just want to help the netball team a lil.. i want to see IJ win once more.. i dont wish to let go of the netball team.. they've put in so much effort.. i've no right to crush their hopes away..
love you netballers.. the most
It applies to me, but not to my precious.. I hope to use vulgarities to emphasize the point.. but that’s not the way to relief yourself.. being civilized is still essential.. this whole matter is burning me inside out.. Im 100% burnt… suicidal thoughts are more realistic now.. like its hinting me to really do it. been having nightmares.. like im in this small box.. stuffed.. insufficient oxygen to keep me alive.. face turning white. So white that is revealing shades of blue.. the freezing atmosphere that numb, contracting every muscle i have.. the signs of death… and im smiling.. smiling through my hopless tears.. through my helpless sobs..
im tired.. how many times have i said this.. why am i not dying yet? is my daily question.. am i scared of dying? not really... just want to help the netball team a lil.. i want to see IJ win once more.. i dont wish to let go of the netball team.. they've put in so much effort.. i've no right to crush their hopes away..
love you netballers.. the most
Friday, February 13, 2004
what does god want from me?
my life? my happiness? my smile? my strength? my heart? he wants everything that i need.. but he locked up what i hated, deep in my heart.. trying to deface me? im not willing to fight anymore.. just do anything you want.. fatigued, dead beat, drawn, drained, disreputable, jaded, listless, shattered, whacked, worn out, spent... i've all these.. instead of what i need..
friends asking what i want for birthday.. (so sweet!!) and i told GF, "i want what i'd lost" something god had taken away and never allowing me to have it back..
every night is more disastrous.. the pain exacerbates.. my tears just aggravate the matter.. the more i speak, the worse it gets.. think i finally got the vibe.. that i should be the one wearing the mask instead.. lolx.. all this while, i was trying to pull masks away from friends.. in the end, i put it on myself. became the girl who's not willing to show/reveal trueself.. wanting to put up a front..
no one seems to care.. but it doesnt matter.. i dont want to bother anyone anyway.. back to keeping things to myself.. bottling.. great way to keep myself outta trouble, to keep myself from bullying others..
roxy and sam: thanks my dearest.. thanks for stopping by to say hi and bring in the encouragement.. i appreciate that.. hope sometime soon we'll catch up again? smuackx!
GF: you have been the best! with comments and opinions.. loved your support.. admire your devotion and sentimentality.. love you
my life? my happiness? my smile? my strength? my heart? he wants everything that i need.. but he locked up what i hated, deep in my heart.. trying to deface me? im not willing to fight anymore.. just do anything you want.. fatigued, dead beat, drawn, drained, disreputable, jaded, listless, shattered, whacked, worn out, spent... i've all these.. instead of what i need..
friends asking what i want for birthday.. (so sweet!!) and i told GF, "i want what i'd lost" something god had taken away and never allowing me to have it back..
every night is more disastrous.. the pain exacerbates.. my tears just aggravate the matter.. the more i speak, the worse it gets.. think i finally got the vibe.. that i should be the one wearing the mask instead.. lolx.. all this while, i was trying to pull masks away from friends.. in the end, i put it on myself. became the girl who's not willing to show/reveal trueself.. wanting to put up a front..
no one seems to care.. but it doesnt matter.. i dont want to bother anyone anyway.. back to keeping things to myself.. bottling.. great way to keep myself outta trouble, to keep myself from bullying others..
roxy and sam: thanks my dearest.. thanks for stopping by to say hi and bring in the encouragement.. i appreciate that.. hope sometime soon we'll catch up again? smuackx!
GF: you have been the best! with comments and opinions.. loved your support.. admire your devotion and sentimentality.. love you
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Though it hurts me terribly, i have to tell you that this song brings back great memories...
I Promise
Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that's by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will
Will I take tender tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will
Yeah
And I love you more every day
And nothing will take that love away
When you need someone
I promise I'll be there for you (there for you)
I promise
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will
And I promise (and I promise)
I promise (oh I promise you)
I will be there when you call me (when you call me)
I promise (I promise)
I promise I will
I Promise
Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that's by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will
Will I take tender tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will
Yeah
And I love you more every day
And nothing will take that love away
When you need someone
I promise I'll be there for you (there for you)
I promise
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will
And I promise (and I promise)
I promise (oh I promise you)
I will be there when you call me (when you call me)
I promise (I promise)
I promise I will
haven been really blogging... cuz my mood didnt really give me the right feeling to blog at that moment.. something more crucial happened.. so here i am.. back.. but it doesnt mean im better.. adolescence.. everyone goes through.. a time where no one will ever be able to escape.. always feel like im in captivity.. under the world.. always a follower.. never a leader..
went to sch, thinking i was all right.. conversed with gf, and shortly, eyes glistened.. tears streamed down as gf explain how difficult life can be.. felt a little stupid, but i cldnt stop them.. sandy told me i was so helpful with the national anthem as i added the sound of my sobs to the anthem.. kelly sounded worried while being concerned.. or rather she always sound so paranoid..
oh yes! kel told me and other 4/8 girls stimulating stories that freaked us out quite a bit.. our hair was exhausted from continual standing..
anyway, the message i wanted to convey was that im just a freak.. no comments please.. let me speak my mind.. i rather you insult me behind my back.. i dont wana bear anymore pain... its torment.. agonizing man.. argh.. i hope these kind of suffering is just momentary.. i dont wana live my life with such hurt..
and.. i get irritated.. no i feel exasperated very (may i emphasis the "very") easily.. over trivial matters.. like just now, waited for ahma to get home and i got pissed and stomped off cuz she told me to wait longer.. i.. i just get so worked up.. about trifle stuff.. practically of no big deal kind.. what has gotten into me..
do you know? i used to be really vain (you can confirm that with all the netballers or my good friends). but now, i dread looking into the mirror.. feel disgusted looking at my monstrous face, feel like slash it with a butcher's knife or something. self esteem practically scoring a zero? think i needa find my successor for the "queen of ego" my reign is over..
the way i deal with my problems and friends.. is just like the way i write.. both are atrocious!! never really brought smiles to people ever since this feeling of detest for xw has begun.. what am i to do? who am i to run to? where am i to go? when will i be free? will i ever be in the first place--
GF? you've been a great help.. your facetious jokes (though not successful) granted me a smile on my face.. just wana say thank you.. love you dear..
went to sch, thinking i was all right.. conversed with gf, and shortly, eyes glistened.. tears streamed down as gf explain how difficult life can be.. felt a little stupid, but i cldnt stop them.. sandy told me i was so helpful with the national anthem as i added the sound of my sobs to the anthem.. kelly sounded worried while being concerned.. or rather she always sound so paranoid..
oh yes! kel told me and other 4/8 girls stimulating stories that freaked us out quite a bit.. our hair was exhausted from continual standing..
anyway, the message i wanted to convey was that im just a freak.. no comments please.. let me speak my mind.. i rather you insult me behind my back.. i dont wana bear anymore pain... its torment.. agonizing man.. argh.. i hope these kind of suffering is just momentary.. i dont wana live my life with such hurt..
and.. i get irritated.. no i feel exasperated very (may i emphasis the "very") easily.. over trivial matters.. like just now, waited for ahma to get home and i got pissed and stomped off cuz she told me to wait longer.. i.. i just get so worked up.. about trifle stuff.. practically of no big deal kind.. what has gotten into me..
do you know? i used to be really vain (you can confirm that with all the netballers or my good friends). but now, i dread looking into the mirror.. feel disgusted looking at my monstrous face, feel like slash it with a butcher's knife or something. self esteem practically scoring a zero? think i needa find my successor for the "queen of ego" my reign is over..
the way i deal with my problems and friends.. is just like the way i write.. both are atrocious!! never really brought smiles to people ever since this feeling of detest for xw has begun.. what am i to do? who am i to run to? where am i to go? when will i be free? will i ever be in the first place--
GF? you've been a great help.. your facetious jokes (though not successful) granted me a smile on my face.. just wana say thank you.. love you dear..
Sunday, February 08, 2004
what in the world is happening... i cant get anything i want!!!!!! went to add songs to my blog... but all of the songs in the freaking powerweb is spoit.. wasted all my time...
i wanted "easier to run", "here without you", "always you and i"... all not available!!!!!! actually only wanted always you and i.. but what the hell.. i think i should just accept my fucking fate..
what am i to do.. when there's nothing left to live for eh? im laughing at myself the whole time.. cuz im lost and helpless.. looking pathetic..
From The bottom of my broken heart
"Never look back," we said
how was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead,
emptiness behind
Where do I go?
And you didn't hear
all my joy through my tears
all my hopes through my fears
did you know, still I miss you somehow?
Chorus
From the bottom of my broken heart
there's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
you were my first love,
you were my true love
from the first kisses to the very last rose
from the bottom of my broken heart
even through time may find me somebody new
you were my real love
I never knew love
'til there was you
from the bottom of my broken heart
"Baby," I said,
"please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
we could have worked things out
taking time is what love's all about
But you put a dart
through my dreams
through my heart
and I'm back where I started again
never thought it would end
Chorus
You promised yourself
but to somebody else
and you made it so perfectly clear
still I wish you were here
Chorus
i wanted "easier to run", "here without you", "always you and i"... all not available!!!!!! actually only wanted always you and i.. but what the hell.. i think i should just accept my fucking fate..
what am i to do.. when there's nothing left to live for eh? im laughing at myself the whole time.. cuz im lost and helpless.. looking pathetic..
From The bottom of my broken heart
"Never look back," we said
how was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead,
emptiness behind
Where do I go?
And you didn't hear
all my joy through my tears
all my hopes through my fears
did you know, still I miss you somehow?
Chorus
From the bottom of my broken heart
there's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
you were my first love,
you were my true love
from the first kisses to the very last rose
from the bottom of my broken heart
even through time may find me somebody new
you were my real love
I never knew love
'til there was you
from the bottom of my broken heart
"Baby," I said,
"please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
we could have worked things out
taking time is what love's all about
But you put a dart
through my dreams
through my heart
and I'm back where I started again
never thought it would end
Chorus
You promised yourself
but to somebody else
and you made it so perfectly clear
still I wish you were here
Chorus
Sunday, February 01, 2004
haven been blogging for a long time.. wanted to blog on fri.. but i didnt know i caught stomach flu..
thank god its not SARS or bird flu.. let me tell you what happened..
first thing i discovered in the wee hours in the morning was that my stomach was in a battle with itself.. thought it was a normal stomach ache that would go away when i walk more, so i didnt tell my ma about it andskipped breakfast (i drank MILO though)..
then i couldnt take the jerks on the way to sch and the pain was excruciating.. walked to st Gab's to get a red and hot bottle to warm my stomach.. i thought that would help.. everyone assume i was having period and was suffering from menstrual cramps..
while taking our pledge, i felt like i was pregnant... i had signs of throwing up, but nothing came out.. goodness.. thats when i really felt terrible..
sat in between kahyee (on my left) and sandy (right).. and there was one point in time that i felt like vomitting.. sandy, in order to escape from practising her oral skills, accompanied me to get hot water for the bottle. lolx!
i almost puked on sandy you know?! i sprang up and shot towards the sink when sandy was still in shock and trauma.. i felt so embarrassed at myself i started to cry. (embarrassed) i had to go home.. coz my fever accelerated at a constant rate..
highest temp: 38.5
got with stomach flu
now with gastric pains
goodness... let me be healthy and determined to do what i want!!!!
thank god its not SARS or bird flu.. let me tell you what happened..
first thing i discovered in the wee hours in the morning was that my stomach was in a battle with itself.. thought it was a normal stomach ache that would go away when i walk more, so i didnt tell my ma about it andskipped breakfast (i drank MILO though)..
then i couldnt take the jerks on the way to sch and the pain was excruciating.. walked to st Gab's to get a red and hot bottle to warm my stomach.. i thought that would help.. everyone assume i was having period and was suffering from menstrual cramps..
while taking our pledge, i felt like i was pregnant... i had signs of throwing up, but nothing came out.. goodness.. thats when i really felt terrible..
sat in between kahyee (on my left) and sandy (right).. and there was one point in time that i felt like vomitting.. sandy, in order to escape from practising her oral skills, accompanied me to get hot water for the bottle. lolx!
i almost puked on sandy you know?! i sprang up and shot towards the sink when sandy was still in shock and trauma.. i felt so embarrassed at myself i started to cry. (embarrassed) i had to go home.. coz my fever accelerated at a constant rate..
highest temp: 38.5
got with stomach flu
now with gastric pains
goodness... let me be healthy and determined to do what i want!!!!